What happened...

And just like that its all over...

All the shopping, cooking, baking, cleaning, wrapping, decorating...and its over in a day.

Almost like nothing happened.

I did get to enjoy spending time with my kids, having them both home was so nice..but also too short.

We went to visit Mom on Christmas Eve.  She complained about things for the majority of the time rather than actually spending time with us.  She asked my Navy son about what he has been up to but while he was answering she was paying more attention to her food than his answers. 

That part bothered me most of all.  He doesn't know what a negative nelly she is or how depressing she can be, he doesn't see her much.  He was excited to see her.  She clearly didn't feel the same.  She was more excited about the gifts we brought her rather than our company...like a 5 year old. 

Once again, it is what it is...

We visited some wineries with the Navy son while he was home...he loved it.  We bought ALOT of wine...and drank most if it.  Needless to say there are conversations that I am learning about that were had on Christmas Eve that I don't remember.

That's happened a few times over the past few months.  I'm not going to lie...that scares me.  I need to reign that back in. 

The past two months I feel have been super stressful.  I'm not handling it well at all.  I need to get back to the gym.  As simple as that sounds that will completely help me.  I'm better when I'm busy...but busy in a positive healthy way.  Make sense?

So this post seems like a whole lot of complaining and nothing.  If you have read any of this and made it this far...thanks I guess.

Goals for 2019...better blog content and more gym time!

Can I skip Christmas?

Well the last week or so has been completely overwhelming (some good...some bad)...and I'm not handling it well.

First the good..my youngest son who was stationed overseas is home for Christmas.  He leaves the day after but I will take what I can get.  He is also spending most of his time with his friends and brother (who lives an hour away from me) so I won't get to see him much but again I will take what I can get.

There have been some changes at work.  New hires...new manager.  None of this is necessarily bad...just different and something I need to adjust and get used to. 

Also work has slowed down and I don't do well with to much time on my hands. 

My Mom received some bad news last week and had to have emergency surgery.  Which happened yesterday.  She is ok...but now there is the recovery. 

She had breast cancer in 2001.  It came back 5 years ago as lesions (everywhere).  For the most part she has been ok with the help of medication however its not working as well as it has been and a tumor formed. 

She is 80 years old.  Over the last 5 years it's been one thing after another.  I worry...

Now with her being in the hospital, I'm unclear as to our next step.  She had this same surgery before on her right side and had to go to physical rehab afterwards for short term care.  I'm assuming the same will happen now but her doctor is saying "we'll see"  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN! 

Christmas is next week.  I'm not ready.  There are still gifts to be wrapped, cookies to be baked, food to be purchased and prepped.  I can't get a definite answer from my kids when then are coming and now I need to figure out when/where to visit my Mom.

Like I said...I'm overwhelmed. 

UUGGHH...The Holidays

I struggle with the Holidays...meaning Thanksgiving and Christmas

There are things I LOVE about each and things I can do without.

I love getting together with the whole family and having a meal.  Why do we "need" a holiday to do that?  All that work, cooking a turkey for 5 hours and its gone in 5 minutes.  The whole prep work is exhausting....and no one really helps.  It all falls on the person who is hosting.

I have the same issue with Christmas dinner. 

Christmas presents is a whole other issue.  I love giving gifts...but I love giving meaningful gifts or giving things that people need and just won't or don't buy for themselves.

I don't even care if I get gifts.  If there is something I want badly enough I buy it myself.  Because I knew I would get the whole "what do you want for Christmas" question and nothing never seems to be a well received answer, I purposely haven't purchased an item that I want...the Fitbit Versa.  So when asked that is what I said I wanted...but apparently ONE item is also NOT enough.  I'm half tempted to just go and get it myself and screw up everyone's holiday.  LOL

I don't like buy/giving gifts because its expected.  Take for instance my mom (who I love dearly).  She has everything she needs or wants but expects no less than 5 gifts at Christmas.  If she doesn't get them she whines and looks miserable.  She is also impossible to shop for...I ask her every year what she wants...the answer is always I don't know.  If you get her candy (that she loves) she opens it and says what am I supposed to do with this? 

Then we have the grandkids...who I always feel the need to spoil with lots of presents.  Which I do.  But I asked our Granddaughter the other day who is 7 if she knows why we celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving.  She had no idea....and couldn't even guess.

I find that sad. 

Who is really understanding anyway?

I feel like I can very extremely un-sympathetic....although appear very sympathetic and patient.

I have been told that I am very kind, caring, patient and understanding. 

I agree that I am kind and caring.

I disagree with the patient and understanding part...because I'm not.  What I am is just really good at hiding the fact that shit pisses me off quite a bit.

I do not have patience for a lot of things...I want things done a certain way and in a certain time period.  Because of that trait I have become one of those people that never asks for help and that has a very hard time delegating work or tasks.  I can just do it myself...that way I know its done right and in a reasonable time frame.

I'm also NOT understanding.  If someone is upset about something and I see their situation differently and see a better/easy outcome I am (inside) annoyed that they are upset.  I have NO sympathy for the person that handles situations in a way I feel is wrong. 

I have a friend that is going through a divorce.  I feel that she is unrealistic with the outcome she is expecting from her ex/lawyers and even the judge.  I've been through a divorce...I have some ideas as to what happens.  Side note...I never claim to know everything.  BUT my friend comes to me with questions/stories/advice.  I don't think she every really likes my answers.  She then goes to her family with the same questions/stories and advice...and always gets different answers/advice.  From her family, who is much more sympathy  I think she gets the answers she wants to hear....rather than reality.  Which in the end does turn out to be the fluffy answers and not reality.

I have another friend who when things fall apart and something upsets him, he drinks.  That's how he copes. I don't understand that...and it annoys me.  I have no sympathy for the situation at that point nor care to even be around him.  I just distance myself until it blows over.  

I also don't understand addiction...and I don't feel its a disease...but that is going to have to be an entire separate blog post on its own.

I hate having to rely on anyone for anything.  I usually end up disappointed. 

What does this say about me as a person? 
My friends/family feel like I am great support system and I am always there for them...I feel like a sham...a liar...because half the time I don't mean it. 

PODCASTS

I am late to the party as usual.

I have recently discovered audio podcasts....and I am in LOVE!
I have no idea why its taken me so long, I do not live under a rock or in a hole.  I've heard people talk about them.  I used to do a short video podcast...about a hobby of mine which I still do the hobby but have no time to podcast about it...nor not enough content.

Either way..I'm off track as usual or as you will come to expect.  I've been listening to podcasts now but about a month via the Podcast Addict app.  I listen mostly in the car or at the gym.

Because I am late to the party and don't really know that I am doing or what I am really looking to get out of this I have only discovered a few podcasts.  There are two that I really enjoy. 

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard and WTF with Marc Maron

A third that I listen to and enjoy but now as much as the previously mentioned is The Joe Rogan Experience.

Now both of these people are celebrities who mostly interview other celebrities (although I am listing to Marc Maron interview President Obama right now!   

I think some people will think that listening to celebrity interviews might be mindless...or empty some how.  This is how I would have thought about it BEFORE I actually listened however I'm finding it not the case. 

I have learned some very interesting things by learning about the lives of other people.  There is some seriously good content within a lot of these interviews.  Don't get me wrong there is mindless dribble and fluff but for the most part I have to say that I have learned something from each one. Of course I can't remember any of it now.  My brain seems to not retain things as well as it used to...I have to write a lot down...but then I forget to do that to. 

I've also discovered there are podcasts that tell stories...like a book.  And each episode is a chapter. I tried one of those...can't remember which one and kinda hated it.  That just isn't where its at for me.

I would LOVE to learn what you listen to...which podcasts you enjoy.  I would be very much interested in hearing your suggestions and then I create a blog post about it.  That actually sounds like fun...so GO!

PS...I ate a small bag of peanut M&M's for breakfast this morning and now I feel sick.  When I make a bad decision its usually a really bad decision.  Have you ever done that? 

Reserect

The definition of Resurect according to the internets...

res·ur·rect

[ˌrezəˈrekt]

 

VERB

resurrects (third person present) · resurrected (past tense) · resurrected (past participle) · resurrecting (present participle)

restore (a dead person) to life.

"he was dead, but he was resurrected"

synonyms:

raise from the dead · restore to life · bring back to life · revive

• revive the practice, use, or memory of (something); bring new vigor to.
  "the deal collapsed and has yet to be resurrected"

So it appears that is what is happening with this space. 
Lately I've felt like I have things to say...specifically last night as I was falling asleep. 
But these things I feel that I have to say...I do not necessarily want to say to other specific humans.  I have humans to speak to if I feel the need...these are more thoughts that I just want to get out of my head...and put out there. 
Part of me wants other people to read/hear them...more so people I don't know personally.  Maybe throw in some comments....advice...or thoughts of your own...or not. 

SO..lets see where this goes.