Once again...I'm mean

Have you ever said or done something that you wish you could take back.

I think this is my gift....the ability to open my mouth and just let whatever comes out...come out.

Or in this case whatever my little fingers type in an EMAIL

The thing about an email is you literally cannot take it back, you can't really talk your way out of it (if you can please let me know in the next 24 hours). 

An email can be forwarded. (fantastic)

Today, I meant to forward an email to a co-worker to complain about how the email from another coworker was sent to me.  Instead, in my haste, I REPLIED! 

The person that sent me the email already thinks I'm mean.  This person also seems to be overly emotional and takes everything personally.

There was an instance a few months ago where an email I sent to this person was forwarded to the bosses...where they agreed that I was kinda mean.  WTF

This will be the icing on the cake. 

I might be able to talk my way out of this one...if need be...and possible back pedal...but probably not. 

I also sent an immediate apology email right afterwards...claiming I'm sure the error wasn't this persons fault. 

I have had interactions with people who are SUPER nice..until you screw up...right...then when you screw up they throw you under the bus. 

In a round about way that is kinda what I did with my first "mean" email.  It appeared to backfire. 

Here's the thing....I am getting older.  I have completely lost my patience.  If someone is told something once and/or has been doing a job where they know that more information is needed before sending out an email then they should take care and do their job....but NO....they don't.

 I address it and all the sudden I'm mean.

Nope...I'm old.  I'm fed up.  I'm frustrated that some people are held to high standards than others.  Things I would never have been able to get away with other people are. 

So, I have already been told about my meanness...and its now happened again.  It will only become a thing if the recipient cries to the bosses. 

I have already lost my status as the favorite so might as well go down in flames.

April 1st we are bringing on two new employees who I was told I would have to help train.  LOL 

Guess not! 

Crying all the time...

Is it possible to change your chemical make up without medication? 

I need to do some research on this subject.

I'm way to emotional.  Most of the time for no good reason.  I cry when confronted...even if I'm completely in the right.  I cry during songs.  I cry during movies.  I cry when reading greeting cards.  I have even felt myself starting to tear up at work meetings.  (I fight those...I actually try to fight all of it)

I feel like I am a strong person.  I have been though some crap and came out of it ok for the most part.  I was in an abusive relationship and didn't cry this much.

Wikihow.com https://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Yourself-from-Crying says you should do the following to stop yourself from crying easily...

Method 1 Stopping Yourself from Crying with Physical Actions

• Focus on your breathing.
• Move your eyes to control your tears.
• Distract yourself with a physical movement.
• Relax your facial expression.
• Remove the lump in your throat.

It goes on to say that changing your focus helps.  Thinking of something funny.  Remind yourself that your strong (that would probably make me cry...when I'm feeling emotional I can't think of me personally...the crying always gets worse then). 
Blame your tears on something else.  I have actually tried that one..doesn't work for me. 
Dry your tears discreetly (also doesn't work...when I cry I FACE CRY...there is no hiding it)
Remove yourself from the situation.  Most of the time not possible.

There are several other methods listed in this article.  I might have to delve deeper into some research.  I really need to find a solution.  A way to stop this crap. 

I don't want to be emotional.  Its alike I feel everything sometimes but I really just want to feel nothing.  And its not like I care about everything and everyone...I literally don't. 

SO that also makes this more of a mystery. 

So basically I don't think there is much I can do.    I shall continue my search.

Can you offer some words of wisdom or advice? 

Politically Correct

There is a lot of talk about political correctness lately.

I think a lot of it has to do with our President.  But it also has to do with the century/era we are living in.

I don't give a shit. 

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not walking about saying offensive things, degrading people or even being rude.  If you are talking about a subject and you are saying exactly how you are feeling then you should be able to safely say it.  I guess within reason.

I think there are also different levels and versions of political correctness.

When my mother was in physical rehab the aids/nurses that were taking care of her were of all different nationalities.  None of that matter (most of them sucked at their job) but the ones who were dark skinned my mother insisted on referring to them as "the colored girl".  They never heard her or were even aware she was saying that...at least I am 99% sure but I feel that was rude to say in general.   When I have told that story to friends...they say its the generation.  Still wrong but I agree

SO now with our generation its different.  We would never say anything like that.  As a matter of fact I think we are so politically correct that its almost offensive if we say anything. 

My mom has now moved into assist living.  When I tell people their response is always "I'm so sorry..that must have been a hard decision or hard on you"  Are they saying that to be politically correct too? 

Because it wasn't

It wasn't a hard decision and it hasn't been hard on me.

Its been a lot of work...searching, paperwork and moving her but that it.

My mom is old...she has become unstable when walking, she hasn't been eating properly or bathing properly.  This decision was a no brainer. 

So does that fall under the political correctness issues going on....

I have no idea...nor do I have any idea if this post even makes sense.

Doesn't have to either...

New Drama

I'm married!  Got married on Friday!  That's not the drama.  Just wanted to start this post off happy...something positive.

Now onto the drama

My mom is in a physical rehab facility.  THEY SUCK!
The physical rehab part is fine.  But the nursing staff is horrible.

My mom currently has an infection in her right leg.  Her left arm is red and itchy and its traveling to her breast.  The doctors/nurses don't seem to feel there is anything urgent.

My mother mental health is declining. She sounds incredibly depressed every time I talk to her.

I email and yell at the administrators of this facility all the time.  Demanding better care.

I literally have no idea what else to do. 

This is stressful and overwhelming. 

I really just want to get her out of there but then I don't know how I would care of her. 
UUUGGHHH

Any suggestions? 

Emotions

I have been an emotional person for a long time. 

By emotional, I'm the one that cries when reading birthday cards, at movies, listening to music, the drop of a hat....you know..the regular stuff.

I haven't always been emotional.  I was married before and I didn't cry during the ceremony (I am getting RE-MARRIED this Friday!) or anytime even after the ceremony.  I've cried at other peoples weddings, just not the ones I've been in so far.  I've had two children...didn't cry after giving birth to them. 

This wedding is going to be different.   First of all...I cry at everything so I feel its inevitable.  Second, this is literally the love of my life, we have been together 14 years on the 11th.  Our local Mayor is preforming the ceremony..it will be very small...just us but I guarantee there will be tears.  Happy tears. 

Having said that....my emotional state has kinda become a family joke.  (which is another reason why I'm kinda glad we aren't have people at this wedding).  Anytime anything mushy happens everyone stops and looks at me...at which point I am usually tearing up.  Then they all laugh.  It was funny in the beginning but I don't find it funny anymore. 

I'm getting up there in age and menopause is probably right around the corner so that might play a factor in my increased emotional state.  But its annoying.  Sometimes I find myself having a conversation with a co-worker about NOTHING IMPORTANT and suddenly have to stop and compose myself.  Its embarrassing. 

I almost wish there was a pill to take to turn it off.  Although I probably wouldn't take it anyway.

I have no idea where this comes from...my mother was never emotional.  The only time I've seen her cry is if she isn't getting her way (I kid you NOT).  My father passed away, I couldn't stop crying...I don't remember her crying at all.  She sold a house she lived in for 20 years..no tears, I cried.  I've seen her at funerals, weddings, meeting her grandchildren...nothing. Sometimes I think she might be emotionally void.  Even then...wouldn't something invoke a tear? 

I cry to much...I'm to emotional.  I want it to stop.

We have been re-watching the Vampire Diaries (guilty pleasure...I LOVE VAMPIRES..hehehe)
In this show, the vampires can flip an internal switch and turn off their emotions...all of them at the same time.  I want to learn how to do that....

Do you think that's a thing?  LOL

What happened...

And just like that its all over...

All the shopping, cooking, baking, cleaning, wrapping, decorating...and its over in a day.

Almost like nothing happened.

I did get to enjoy spending time with my kids, having them both home was so nice..but also too short.

We went to visit Mom on Christmas Eve.  She complained about things for the majority of the time rather than actually spending time with us.  She asked my Navy son about what he has been up to but while he was answering she was paying more attention to her food than his answers. 

That part bothered me most of all.  He doesn't know what a negative nelly she is or how depressing she can be, he doesn't see her much.  He was excited to see her.  She clearly didn't feel the same.  She was more excited about the gifts we brought her rather than our company...like a 5 year old. 

Once again, it is what it is...

We visited some wineries with the Navy son while he was home...he loved it.  We bought ALOT of wine...and drank most if it.  Needless to say there are conversations that I am learning about that were had on Christmas Eve that I don't remember.

That's happened a few times over the past few months.  I'm not going to lie...that scares me.  I need to reign that back in. 

The past two months I feel have been super stressful.  I'm not handling it well at all.  I need to get back to the gym.  As simple as that sounds that will completely help me.  I'm better when I'm busy...but busy in a positive healthy way.  Make sense?

So this post seems like a whole lot of complaining and nothing.  If you have read any of this and made it this far...thanks I guess.

Goals for 2019...better blog content and more gym time!

Can I skip Christmas?

Well the last week or so has been completely overwhelming (some good...some bad)...and I'm not handling it well.

First the good..my youngest son who was stationed overseas is home for Christmas.  He leaves the day after but I will take what I can get.  He is also spending most of his time with his friends and brother (who lives an hour away from me) so I won't get to see him much but again I will take what I can get.

There have been some changes at work.  New hires...new manager.  None of this is necessarily bad...just different and something I need to adjust and get used to. 

Also work has slowed down and I don't do well with to much time on my hands. 

My Mom received some bad news last week and had to have emergency surgery.  Which happened yesterday.  She is ok...but now there is the recovery. 

She had breast cancer in 2001.  It came back 5 years ago as lesions (everywhere).  For the most part she has been ok with the help of medication however its not working as well as it has been and a tumor formed. 

She is 80 years old.  Over the last 5 years it's been one thing after another.  I worry...

Now with her being in the hospital, I'm unclear as to our next step.  She had this same surgery before on her right side and had to go to physical rehab afterwards for short term care.  I'm assuming the same will happen now but her doctor is saying "we'll see"  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN! 

Christmas is next week.  I'm not ready.  There are still gifts to be wrapped, cookies to be baked, food to be purchased and prepped.  I can't get a definite answer from my kids when then are coming and now I need to figure out when/where to visit my Mom.

Like I said...I'm overwhelmed.